Okay, Okay An Update...
I promise I'll try to update a few times a month when I get the chance, okay? The new puppy is still leaving warm steaming piles of poopy love all over the house and the cats are scared shitless of him. The library is still filled with freaks, I could probably just blog daily about the wack-jobs I see @ work and be done with it. Last week a woman was running around downtown totally naked except for a pair of flip-flops and a fanny pack. Thank god she had that fanny-pack on w/ some identification and her wallet. On monday a woman actually went to the police station to file a complaint because the librarians in the children's room wouldn't let her feed Dorito's to her daughter during storytime. Fah-Reeeeaks!
Now I luvs me some little people: my nieces and nephews, my wee little storytime crew, the 3rd graders I visit each week. Love. 'Em.
What I don't love is the nasty little cootie bugs they carry around with them. There's nothing better than getting a big 'ol hug from a 2 yearold after storytime and hearing them say "Tank Youuuu Miss Winzeeee" but when little miss diva has a cold/ear infection/tonsilitis/etc. Please don't send the little snot nosed cutie over for a cuddle. Just because they're not bubbling over with green phlegm that doesn't mean that there not still contagious. You know what happens when you send Jr. over to give me a big squeeze? He shares is boogies with me and I get sick. So thank you, thank you mommy who brought your child to storytime and then let her come up give me a big hug and hand me her used tissues. Thanks a freakin bunch. I feel like crap-o-la, your the best!
1.) Saturday was a bad day... so I had mashed potato's and hot chocolate for dinner.
2.) I totally rocked out to Bon Jovi's "Livin' On A Prayer" on the way home tonight.
3.) The kid who called me a bitch under his breath last week came in today, I told him the computers weren't working... even though they were working just fine.
4.) Sometimes when I go to bed after Ray does, I wake him up to tell him I love him.
5.) I love kids, but sometimes at work I sneak into the bathroom just to escape.
6.) I'm addicted to Gilmore Girls.
7.) I started jumping up and down and screaming when I found Pudding Pops @ the grocery store on Sunday night.
When sneaking a bag of 'Doritos' into the library if you get caught, just give youself up. Arguing with me and assaulting me with your nasty ass nacho cheese breath is not going to get you off the hook asshat.
You know how even when your a kid you see someone doing something so outrageous that even in your 5 yearold mind you step back and go "Awwe Hell No, That Is Sooo Wrong, I'll Never Do That!" And you live by that rule all your life (almost) well today I did one of those things. All my life I'd occasionally come across a person doing this one thing and I'd always think to myself, "Damn, That Is Just Really Wrong, What Kind Of Person Does That, Someone With No Soul, That's Who!" Today I lost my soul people. I became the evil that I so despised. I went to Petco and bought a leash...
for my cats.
I can explain!!! Sophie (the 'leader') has been sitting by the front door night after night whining (not meowing that's different, this is kitty whining) incessantly. It's enough to drive anyone mad! So I did it okay, I went out and bought a harness and a leash for my fuckin' cat and I tried to "walk" her. Well, she wasn't having any part of it. She totally spazzed out, I mean ran under the car still attached to the leash and had the equivalent of a kitty seizure, knocking her head against the bumper of my car and rolling on the ground, the works. She of course made a break for it and freed herself from the evil constraints of the harness and made a mad dash for the bushes in the front yard. I sat on the stoop and talked to her, you know in that voice that you use on really old people and rabid dogs? "Coommmme onnnn Soph, let's go insiiiiide, whoooooo's mommy's good girrrrrl?" yeah right, she wasn't coming out for anything I swear she was under that bush giving me the paw. Fast forward 10 minutes. Ray pulls in the driveway and says "Hey Babe..." Well Sophie hears her beloved and comes flying out from under the bush like: "Dad save me! Oh dear god, she made me walk in the dirt and my beautiful fur coat was just cleaned, she's an evil bitch we must stop her! I'm so glad your here to save me!"
Okay okay I've been a seriously sucky blogger lately. Okay not just lately more like for like 2 months. I'm sorry guys! Between moving and YGD orders I've been tapped out! I don't even have time to sleep (but hey I'm young, I can sleep later right?) Anyway, I finally got around to taking more pic's of the house and you can see 'em here. We went down to Littlerock to visit Ray's folks and all my lil weasels (aka: nieces and nephews) and had a total blast. Life's a wee bit different down there compared to NH. I'd never actually seen frogs legs... that weren't attached to a frog... and fried... like for eating. It kinda grossed me out and I have to say I'm all set with that, but we did have fun. Just ask Miss Franny (my Pug Niece)
I promise I'll start blogging more!!!
I was messing around the house yesterday doing random odds and ends: putting a 2nd coat of paint on the trim, making dinner, folding laundry and Ray being a man, was of course 'relaxing' and watching the race on tv. When I went in to our room to put laundry away he quickly changed the channel, but not before I caught him...
he was watching 'You've Got Mail' during the Nascar ad's. That's my man! He loves him some Meg Ryan romantic comedies! :)
(Tuscan) Kitchen Floor --- (Slate) Bathroom Floor
So the fabulous idea I had for a warm earthy Tuscan-esque style kitchen totally shit the bed this past weekend. My yellow walls look gorgeous, but kind of pale. My amazing tile is a wee bit darker than expected. The fabulous color washing tecnique I was going to use on the walls to give them a warm/aged look? Yeah, well the $35 bucks a mother fuckin' gallon Ralph Lauren Glaze is this hideous peach color. Like 1986, Palm Beach, living room wall color on the 'Golden Girls' peach. Seriously nasty. I thought oh I'll give it a whirl, maybe it looks better up. Uhhh, no. It was like Debbie Gibson threw up in my kitchen. I spent the next hour scrubbing the walls down w/ hot water and a sponge. I wonder if Home Depot will let me return it if I tell them that looking at it is making me physically ill???
Here are a few lessons I learned during this weeks home improvements...
1.) If you listen to Josh Groban while painting, people will laugh at you.
2.) If you refer to the plaster spackle as Wall Frosting, people will laugh at you.
3.) If you let your husband use your flowered silk scarf as a mask while sanding the walls, people will laugh at you for letting him.
This is the first of many home renovating/repair/improvement posts. This weekend we started "officially" moving stuff to the new house and renovating. We ripped up the bathroom floor only to find that it was rotted a wee bit under the toliet. So Stud (aka: I have a hammer, weeeee!) yanked the toliet to hard and busted a water pipe. My mom and I are in the kitchen peeling off some god awful wallpaper and we here the sound, like the floodgates @ Niagra Falls opening, whoooosh! "What the fuck is that!?" I yell. "Oh, just a water pipe, no biggie" says my husband all calm, as he and my stepdad rush out of the bathroom and fly down cellar at warp speed. No problem my ass! There's water in the basement and the only way to this broken pipe is through the closet wall in our bedroom. Greaaat, just freakin' peachy. This morning I arrive at the house, prepared for the day with a big-ass iced coffee, only to find that the toliet is still not re-installed. I did what I could for a few hours but then had too give up and blaze home to take a pee. Oh yeah, it looks like such fun on Trading Spaces, but lemme tell ya, in real life home improvement sucks!
Q: Where Can My Daughter Eat Her Chicken Nuggets?: At Home!!!
Q: Do You Like Have Good Books?: Nope, They All Suck, Try Another Library.
My Personal Fav Came Via A Phone Call...
Q: How Many Licks Does It Take To Get To The Center Of A Tootsie Pop? *giggle* *snort* (click...dial tone)
So tomorrow I start drug therapy for a raised insulin level. I know your all insanely jealous but hey not all of us can be so lucky! When Stud got home tonight I read him the list of side effects which included: increased sex drive (whoo-hoo) headaches, low blood sugar, stomach upset (well thats the polite way of saying totally shitting your ass out) oh yeah and death. Apparently this lovely little drug can cause lactic acidosis which pretty much means certain death. Greaaaaat. Stud gets all excited when I read this "Ooooh babe, that's what the guy in "A Few Good Men" died from!!!" Yeah uh-huh, thats nice hun, thanks for sharing. Now I'm going to be really horny and dreaming of Jack Nicholson. Well I guess thats better than being dead. Sort of.
Oh. My. God. I just went to my first real concert! Thanks Melly for “popping my concert cherry” It totally rocked! Can I just say? Josh Groban, totally fucking hot. Seriously I know he has the whole dorky thing going, but on stage singing with all the movements and expressions? Seriously sexy! He was bouncing around the stage, dancing and he kept running back and forth. It was hot. Melly and I wanted too know when the “shirtless portion of the program” was going to start. He kept saying: "I'm such dork" One person yelled out “WE LOVE YOU JOSH WINSLOW GROBAN” and he just stood there and said: "Wow, I never has my middle name been screamed before it kinda has a sexy tone to it" Big surprise, he’s wicked funny. The dirty thoughts Melly and I were having won’t be repeated here because, well frankly, there’s enough embarrassing ammo here for everyone isn’t there? Heeeey Lindsey totally gets off on nerdy guys singing operatic in a foreign language, ha-ha.
Anyway, chicks were screaming all over the place while he was talking and he kept saying: "be cool my babies, be cool” it was hysterical! He asked what people were doing for Valentine’s Day and if anyone was here with special someone one, lover or maybe a friend with benefits? Melly and I just looked at each other like “did he really say that?” Then this chick in his band totally rocked the house playing Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody on her violin. Fan-Frickin-Tastic!
So my sister just called, you know the one who calls me from TX while she's @ the "Long Horn" Restaraunt to ask if she likes the chicken tenders there because gosh darn it she just can't remember and as the oldest sibling it is my job too keep tabs on everyone's likes and dislikes and have them ready at a moments notice. She was at the airport waiting to pick up her hubby and wanted to go over our plans for next weekend.
Gill: "So we're coming up on Thursday night and I wanted to go see BlueMan Group in Boston, but they're all sold out." "I checked Verizon Wireless Arena and the only thing there is Josh Groban and I'm so not down with that (and I quote people) gay-ass-shit, what blows my mind is that it's actually sold out, I can't believe people are going to pay to hear that butt-nugget sing, he totally sucks ass!" "Maybe we could all go to a movie or something that night instead?"
Me: "No can do baby"
Gill: "Why not!?" "Your not working that night!"
Me: "I have tickets to go see the butt nugget sing"
It was one of those days. One of those: "I should just sterlize myself right now rather than risk bringing another evil monster spawn into this world that is already so crowded with them." Today a 10 yearold informed me that I was acting like a "Freakin' Bitch" and wanted to know "Why I Be Hatin' On Him?" (I believe this was how he eloquently put it) I of course kicked his pre-pubescent ass out of the library. Upon doing so he retaliated with "Dis Is 'Cause I'm Black Ain't It?!" Which is when I informed him that no, it had nothing to do with his skin color, I hated all people who called me a bitch equally and that he got no special exceptions. If you'll excuse me I'm off to find a dull knife, some pain killers and a few ice packs.
Actually I have 2!
Go HERE to check out pic's of the house we just bought (Whoo-Hoo) and go HERE to check out all the work I did to Yankee Girl Designs! More in a few, I promise!!!
Well my "little friend" finally showed up, and let me tell ya, the bitch is back with a vengence. Lucky me. If I had a gun, the whole world would be in trouble. The old guy in the Buick going way to slow?: Blaze a Trail Q-Tip!!! I decided to buy some of those heat thingies that you slap on your underwear? Yeah, waaay sexy, and I don't really feel any better, I just feel like I'm toasting my ovaries to a light golden brown. The cats stole my tampon this morning. I spend tons of money on cat toys
Who needs those? Certainly not my brood, they prefer Playtex Scented
You may be wondering "how is Lindsey dealing with the evil kitties and raging PMS?"
Tomorrow I get to go to the Ob-Gyn and ride the steel pony. Yippeeee, lucky me! I know your all jealous, but don't fret my pets, your time will come. The question is: would it be inappropriate to hop onto the beast and shout out "Go Seabiscuit, Go!"? Anything to make the trip more fun right? My period is 23 days late. 23. That's almost a whole month, and right around the 10 day mark I totally started freaking out. Then I hit day 16 and totally lost my shit, now, I'm trying to hold it all together, but when I hit day 21, that was it. I called in the big guns. I've taken 4 pee tests and 1 blood test, and nuthin! So I called my Dr. and explained (screamed) in a friendly (neurotic) way that I am on waaaay to many drugs to be pregnant, and that no I could not just "wait around and see what happens" is that really a medical term? I can see it now: "Well sir yes I do realize you have an ax splitting into your skull, but how about if we just wait around and see what happens?" I think not. Let me just clarify one thing: we. are not. trying. to get. pregnant. See that little counter down there on the right? Yeah, it's not just there for shits and giggles it's there for a reason. Okay, deep breath, in 2 days I'll know. Hopefully I don't hurt any innocent bystanders between now and then. In other news, a 12 yearold was dragged out of the library in cuffs by 4 cops this evening. Good times, people, good times!
Generously offer to cook me pasta for a late dinner while I take a quick shower. While pasta is cooking run into the bathroom and shout "The Pasta Has Hit The Pot!!!" with much gusto.
Sorry I've been such a bad blogger. I'd tell you to spank me, but I might like it *snort* the Bronchitis really kicked my ass. Then to top it all off, Ray came down with a head cold. I was starting to feel better so I ventured out and went frolicking with my homeskillet yesterday when I got the call:
Stud: "Baaabe (sniff) wherrrre arrrrbbbe youuuuu (sniff-sniff)
Me: *frustrated sigh* "Whad'ya need? We're at Barnes & Noble and I'll be leaving in 10 minutes. Do you want me to pick anything up for you?
Stud: "Noooo, I just want youuuu to come hommmmbbbe"
Nice Lindsey, so now I'm feeling like the biggest tool, giving him attitude and all he wants is to snuggle. I race home to be with my sick hubby, and dear god was that a mistake. I run him a bath using some Cold & Flu Bath Salts...
Stud: "Ohhhh I just have to sit dowwwwn, the smelllll, it's making me soooo dizzzzzzyyyyyy" (and he proceeds to crawl back to the bed)
Me: "Okay, how about something to eat?"
Stud: "Welllll maybe just summmbb soooouup?"
3 bites of the soup and he's done, I made soup for 3 damn bites? I even brought crackers! I suggest a hot shower to clear his sinuses, no go. Just the thought of standing there for that long wear's him out. Uh huh, right. So, have you taken any medicine? No. Of course not, men don't need medicine, they just need to bitch and whine like little girls, their waaaay to manly for medicine. My bad, sorry. Am I acting bitchy? Maybe, but I'm still hacking up my liver and puffing on my inhaler it's all I can do not too whack him over the head with the inhaler and make him sleep with the cats. And yes I do realize that there's a special place in hell for wives like me.
This afternoon I took a field trip (ha-ha) to one of the local elementary schools to do a Storytime session with them. I figured I'd read a few stories and surprise them with some fun Jan Brett coloring pages I'd printed for them. Sounds innocent enough right? When I arrived 3 of them proceeded to run circles around me screaming: "I'm running around you - I'm running around you - I'm running around you" I felt like I was in that tv commercial where the little brother is torturing his sister and saying: "I'm not touching you!" Ugh! I get them into a classroom and settled down and these Kindergartners, that's right 5 yearolds inform me that: "This ain't no surprise it's paper, this is crap!" Ahhhh, I love the charming inner city youth. I blaze back to work, room is teaming with pre-pubescent's IM-ing each other. The phone rings:
Me: "Good afternoon, Children's Room..."
Them: "Ya, I need some books about sats."
Me: "Excuse me?" "Sap?" "Like from maple tree's?"
Them: "No, sats, you know, sat?"
Me: "I'm sorry I don't understand what your asking me." "Books about sitting?"
Them: (sigh) "NO NO NO!" "Sats!" "You know the sats?" "S-a-t-s"
Me: "Oh, the S.A.T.'S, gotcha, that's reference I'll transfer you"
Man that phone call was almost as good as the lady calling and asking about books on "How To Kill A Mocking Bird" ummmm, you mean "To Kill A Mocking Bird" ma'am???
Okay, okay I confess. That crazy-ass chick you passed in your car on the way home? The one who was rocking out all by her badself in her own car? Yup, that was me, totally jammin' away to Barry Manilow's Copa Cabana. I'm going to send myself to time out now.
Question of the Day: Where did the romance go? The mystery, the intrigue?
I know it's been 5 years, but, I'm sitting here all decked out in my snazzy pj pants, a holey old t-shirt and the piece de resistance... the ever sexy biore strip while Stud takes a pee with the door wide open all the while having a chat with the kitty who's sitting on the counter watching him in complete rapture. How did my life end up like this? I don't remember laying awake at night as a little girl dreaming about flannel jammies, acne fighters and a voyeuristic cat. What the hell happend here???
When Stud and I got married 5 years ago, there was much debating over where we would live. He's from Arkansas, and moved around to various southern states growing up. I however, was born and raised in NH, always staying within the same county. We decided to give it a go up here in New England. Every once in a while we step back and think about moving. Maybe it would be cheaper down south and it might be kinda nice not having to bust my ass shoveling snow every winter. Tonight I realized why I live in NH. Sure it may be one of the smallest states in our great union, but tonight the top story on the local 6 o'clock news was: 'A baby Jesus that some thugs snatched out of a manger last week was recovered safely down by a river' this is the "Big" news here in NH. Not gangs, serial killers or violence, just a boring statue-napping done by some local kids with too much time on there hands. This is my kind of news people.
I hate grocery shopping with the hubster. He has to go down every god damn isle, even if we don't need anything down it. The baking isle? Really? Are you whipping up a little something? No? Well then why the hell do we have to go down there? Gawd! This week was bad. We needed to pick up some more of those Glade Plug-In thingies. He always wants the girly ass flower ones. I'm all about the Apple Cinnamon. He has to scratch and sniff every freakin' one so it goes down something like this:
"How 'bout this one babe?" "It's Morning Lily..."
"Um no, that smells like ass"
"Ooooh I like this one!"
"WTF is this? Roses and Rainbows or some shit?" "Dream on."
"Oh! Green Tea!" "Babe, you LOVE Green Tea!" "Smell It!" "Come On!!!"
"You know people are staring, just put it in the cart and grow some balls, would ya?"
Are you seriously standing at my desk and snapping your fingers at me to get my attention? Do I look like a fuckin' Golden Retriever? I don't think so lady. Tell ya what. As soon as the librarian that does respond to finger snapping comes in I'll be sure to send her right over to you.
So I just got back from bra shopping, and may I just say WTF??? I need on of those strapless job's to wear under my snazzy Bridesmaid Gown do you know how many strapless bra's I found in a DD? Zippo baby, nilch, nada! I did however find an abundence of strapless bra's in a 32 A. What the hell is up with that? Why would someone wearing a 32 A even need a friggin' strapless bra, are her nipples going to sag or something? Please, there's nothing there! Slap some tape over the nips and be gone bitch, save the strapless wonders for those of us who need them!!!
Over the weekend things in the Children's Room were moved around to accomodate some future construction. Some of the toys are gone (oh the horror) today when the kids came in for storytime all hell broke loose because of it. "Wherrre da trucks gooooo?!" "I waaannnt puzzles!" We had a fabulous storytime with songs and an oscar worthy puppet show about dogs (I really have to say that my hand up a puppet's ass is a beautiful thing people) but the natives were still restless. It was like someone replaced the Jack Daniels in their sippy cups with crappy generic whiskey. Major meltdowns ensued. There was screaming and crying and one mom totally tore another mom a new asshole and went off on her about parenting skills. Yes sir it was real cozy in the Library today. Things finally quieted down around noon and then my brother called. He was trying to find the library so he could pick something up before heading back down to base in NC. I gave him directions and hung up. Then he called again, and again, and yup, one more time. In short of flagging him down on the street in a librarian prostitute type fasion I just talked him through it until he was at the door. I guess he got the same 'sense of direction and memory skills' that my sister has. She's called me up at work to ask if she likes the chicken tenders @ the Longhorn Restaraunt because she can't remember. Oh, and there was the time she called me from the grocery store to ask if it was butterscotch or carmel that she likes because she always gets the 2 confused. She also been known to call me on her cell to get directions home from the mall, what mall is she at I ask? She doesn't know. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, this is the same sister that called me from Martha's Vineyard to ask how to get to the beach. The island ain't that big bitch just keep walking and you'll find it!
I went back to work today. I came in pulled my shit together and hit the potty and was greeted with: Rattle-Whap-Whap-Whap-Whap-Whap-Whap followed by "it lockeddd, I gaw goad pee-pee now!" Rattle-Whap-Whap-Whap-Whap-Whap-Whap. This little dude couldn't grasp the concept of "If It's Locked Someone's Already A-Peein' In There Youngin" so he kept grabbing the doorknob and rattling away with it. Ahhh, good times, I can't even regain composure in the one quiet room we have. As if that wasn't depressing enough, my brother left today too. Although I won't miss hearing the phone ring every 5 freakin' seconds followed by John's (manly yet sensitive) "Brandy I Loooooove Youuuuuu", I will miss having him around. The apartment is extremely quiet now and I have no one to make annoying little "Bow Chicka Bow Wow" porn noises with (it's a disturbing family thing, don't ask) and now whenever I yell "Beefcake!" no one responds *sigh* Hopefully he'll be able to come up for my sister's wedding next month where we can joyfully sing a few rousing renditions of "Bow Chicka Bow Wow" as she walks down the aisle.
Sorry I've been such a bad blogger :( Between updating YGD and my lil bro being home on leave I've been super busy. My brother is driving me nuts, I'm psyched to see him and all, and yes we are having a blast but he's in love for the first time. This of course means that he's gone blindly into this relationship penis first and is totally prepared to fight a swamp full of alligators with only a popsicle stick for this girl. It also means that his cell phone has become a permanent appendage and Stud and I are constantly being subjected too: "I Looove You" "No, I Looooove You" "I Do Love You More" "No, I Love YOU More" Gawd, give me a break and get a friggin' room you little horndogs!
So today, my sister was officially married. I guess you could say that. She's refering to it as "just signing the friggin' papers" her wedding will be in December, but since her and Mr. Man are in the Air Force they need to be legally married to put in for the same base and training, which is why we headed over to the parental units house this morning to sign said "friggin' papers" Last night I sat in the guest room on the computer while my sister and her future hubby got ready for bed and laid down. Suddenly it dawned on them that they had homework. The woman marrying them (oops, presenting them with the friggin' papers) had asked them to think about why they wanted to marry the other person. Well, this was quite the challenge to them, soooo, being the good big sis and librarian that I am, I sat down and Googled "Why I Want To Get Married" & "What Is Marriage" I took notes and handed them to the loving couple, shut down the 'puter and told them that if they were planning on getting it on to do it quietly because I wanted to sleep. This morning at my parents house I didn't quite overhear what was said when the officiant asked why they wanted to get married, but I do know what happend after the "friggin' papers" were signed. My sister being the classy broad that she is suggested that we all head out to the coast to get us some pizza. That's right people, pizza. We love us some Buffalo Chicken Pizza around here.
The bagel shop was out of pumpkin spice coffee this morning. I should have known then that my day was cursed, but noooo, I forged ahead, oblivious of my doom...
Part 1: It was just after storytime (a tender little 45 minute ditty, with songs, stories and a puppet show) I had sat back down at my desk and started working on something, when I heard it. "Maaaaatty, why your underwear onnnn???" I looked up, and sure enough there was Matty's booty, clad in a pair of blue 'big boy' pants (or man berry wranglers as I like to call them) Now I'm a big fan of being naked. For me it usually means 2 things, I'm going to bed, or I'm getting some action, I like both equally. But darling Matty was 4 years old and running around the library with no frickin' pants on. Not cool, buddy, not cool.
Part 2: I head down to the staff room for my break and do I find peace and quiet here? No. I get to sit next to the 'Pastry Prayer' who has to thank the lord for every morsel of cheese danish she eats. Then chat me up about the latest Sci-Fi book. Ummm, I don't care, Sci-Fi, really???
Part 3: After lunch I grab my tiny portable walkman, an apple, my water bottle and a cart and head into the stacks for some shelf reading (okay I confess, I just wanted to escape the horny 12 yearolds, it was an early release day, I'd had enough!) so I'm jammin' to my radio and cruising through the 700's: Arts 'n Crafts (looks good) Knitting (looks good) Music (looks good) I turn the corner into the next stack, there's a little dude sitting on the floor perusing a Red Sox book, I dodge him and keep going: Theatre (looks good) Transportation (looks good) Football (sniff-sniff-sniff, WTF????) dude, I know I can't hear you let one rip but I can smell it. It's so rank I have to high tail it outta there and come back when the fumes have dissipated. Man, I hope the covers don't melt of the books.
I just saw the worst DeBeers ad. Most of them are all romantic and weepy. Nice little stories in black and white. In this one, some poor guy whisks his wife away to France or Italy for their Anniversary and you know, he's trying to be romantic. Well he stops in the middle of a courtyard looks deep into her eyes and says "there's something I have to do" and then proceeds profess his undying love for his wife at the top of his freakin' lungs. "I Love This Woman" he shouts it over and over again. Now wifey is all embarrassed right. Covering her mouth to supress a giggle, hiding her eyes, the bitch is mortified. Hubster is telling the world that he loves his wife and this bitch won't even give him an "I Love You" back! It's their anniversary, he just wanted an I love you and maybe a little nookie that night. It's not to much to ask, but apparently the frigid wife isn't going to give him either one. So then he whips out a huge-ass ring from his pocket, and well la-ti-da, she's singing a different song now. Ohhhh "I Love This Man, I Love This Man" yeah, now she loves him, now that he's plunked down 1/2 their retirement on a friggin' ring. The poor guy just wanted a hug and some ass, it's his anniversary!
It was a long morning at work. Totally dead and just craaaawling by, so I snuck through the back of the Children's Room office into the Periodical Room to snag the newest Cosmo and as soon as I open the door it hits me... The awful stench that somehow seems to fill which ever room we put the magazines in. I don't know why, but it's always there. All musty and funky and lingering. Evertime someone picks up a Newsweek or Ladies Home Journal the breeze that occurs while lifting the magazine off the stand, sends noxious fumes swirling around the room. I held my breath and searched the room with my eyes looking for the bright splashy cover of the newest Cosmo issue. Ahhh, there it is, across the room next to the newspapers, no one's grabbed it yet. Whooo-hoooo, maybe it's my lucky day afterall, I think to myself as I begin my descent. I pass a little hoodlum about age 13 sitting in one of the reading corrals, his head all bent over, and wait, wait just a minute... He seems to be praying. Huh, weird I think, but whatever, I'm on a mission. Then suddenly he looks up, and he has the look, that evil, sneaky, I'm hiding something kind of look that only comes from one source. Punks that bring food into the library even though they pass a big-huge sign stating: "No Food or Drink in this Facility" on their way in. I look down into his cubby and sure enough, the evidence is right there. I spot a fresh sweat ring from a can of cold soda that has hastily been shoved into his open backpack, and what's this? What is this?! Oh no he didn't! A I tiny beige crumb covered with pale pink frosting and red sprinkles! Praying? Ohh no, I think not pal. You best be praying to the Pop-Tart God's my little friend 'cause you are outta here! Bringing a friggin' snack of cherry poptarty goodness into the library and not sharing? Security!!!
Tonight my mom and I blazed down to a cozy little place I'll refer to as 'Sleazy-Ass-Town, Massachusetts' what could be so sleazy about it you ask? Wellll, on the way down we passed a charming establishment called 'The Pump 'N Pantry' (isn't that cozy!) followed up by 'The Golden Banana' "Oh your grandfather's been there" my mom says in passing. Then just as casually informs me that it's a strip club, with transvestite strippers. What!? "Are you shitting me?" I asked her. Nope, apparently my dear old Pup, has been there. Now some of you have learned in past entries on this blog, that my Pup isn't your average 80 yearold. He's a foxy old man. The same man that refers to maxi-pads as "coochie cups" says "betch 'yer ass" constantly, pinches my grandmother's butt and tells dirty jokes about men in nudist colonies, but I still wasn't ready to hear that my nice old grandfather had been to the local transvestite strip club. This just wasn't painting a nice picture in my mind ya know? Anyway, the main run through 'Nasty-Town' was to hit up David's Bridal to snag my fabby (ie: evil) dress for my sister's upcoming wedding. For those of you who'd like to gawk at it and mock me here's the link: "Dress From Hell" it's the last one on the right (the least hideous of all I'd like to think) All black and regal looking in it's poofy organza goodness. The wedding is Dec. 11 baby, can't frickin' wait!!!
Yesterday we made this horrific little craft with our afterschool 6-10 group. Awwwe, a sweet little monkey doorhanger. Precious! Sure it looks like loads of cute fun, but what the directions fail to tell you is that glue just won't stick to the little bastard! Imagine 16 children running around yelling such fabulous lines as: "I can't get my monkey to stay up!" It was, as you can imagine total mayhem. There were tears and tantrums all around. Finally I couldn't take it anymore, I had to take charge! So I whipped out the trusty glue gun. That'll show that frickin' monkey who's boss! I shot streams of glue onto monkey parts like a pro! Arms were drying and legs were sticking, I was flying baby! Done, next! - Done, next! Then it had to happen, a huge gob of glue shot out of the tip, almost like a glue gun fart and it landed on my hand. "Sweet Moth... Mary Kate and Ashley, That Hurts!!!" Whew it was a close save, but I don't think any of the little darlings caught on to my initial phrase before I corrected myself. Of course now whenever they hurt themselves or drop something they'll be running around saying: Sweet Mary Kate and Ashley or Son of a Furball, but I suppose it's better than them dropping a fork while setting the table and letting out an emphatic: Son of a Bitch!
My Amazon Wish List
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